Losses for the accompaying partner

An often overlooked aspect of expatriation abroad is the impact of the move on the accompanying spouse’s goals and desires. As an accompanying partner, have you considered how you will adjust to the result of this move on your life?

Often the spouse is not able to work in the host country, and this means sacrificing career and job. Accompanied by a loss of friends, social networks, activities and community involvement, this can take a heavy toll on one’s sense of identity, purpose, and direction. These aspects of our lives take time, hard work, and commitment to develop. Suddenly having to let them all go can be a frightening and devastating experience. If these issues are not dealt with, resentment, bitterness and anger can build up, especially if it feels as though one partner is suffering for the other’s gain.

Here are some strategies for meeting this challenge:

Discuss these issues together
Is taking an overseas position something both of you want? Does one partner feel forced into going? What are your fears? How realistic are your expectations about life abroad? To what extent are you prepared to stick by this decision? Are there any situations that would result in either of you desiring to return home? It is important for both parties to be involved in and committed to the decision to go. A decision that so deeply affects every aspect of your lives must be shared, or a situation can be created where it is easy to blame one another for difficulties; “You are the one who wanted to come here in the first place, this is your fault!”. It is important to be honest in discussing this – a move abroad is not an easy thing, and if not treated as a shared goal it can drive a wedge between you.

Develop shared goals
Why are you moving? What are you planning to achieve during your expatriation? Is to it travel? Save money? Experience living in a different culture? Build a career? Enjoy a better lifestyle? Decide on these together, and work toward them. Decide on how you will achieve them. For example, you will go on a two week holiday to a different region every 6 months. Have this discussion with your children as well. What goals can they set for themselves and for you as a family during this time? Write them down. Reminding yourself of them will keep you positive when things get difficult.

What can you do to offset losses?
If you feel that you will be losing a career, consider whether there are any options available for you to carve out a new career, for example in entering a field that you are interested in, or developing a hobby into a job. One person completed a short course and began to give English lessons to adults, which she found she enjoyed more than her previous occupation. You could use this as an opportunity to study, or to focus on your children’s development. Plan strategies for getting involved in your host community.

Invest in a mentor
Finding a mentor, counsellor or coach to debrief to can be a very effective way to come to terms with and overcome a sense of loss, and a good guide in developing a new career or direction. A counsellor can provide safe environment to express frustrations and concerns.